You may recall that I decided to try and get back into shape by joining the YMCA last September. This was initially a fail because Audrey kept getting kicked out of their childwatch center for "excessive crying." Thankfully after taking her there 5 days a week for several months she finally gave up the hysterics and now spends her time trying to smuggle out their assortment of Little Tikes Handle Haulers, which, thankfully don't fit into the diaper bag (apparently you don't get kicked out for this).
Once we reached this milestone I decided to start taking actual exercise classes, with motivating names such as "Adrenaline!" "Boot Camp" and "Whipped." Each class consists of an hour of lunges, burpees, crunches, butt squeezes, planks and other torturous activities of which my body is in desperate need. After my first class I pretty much stayed in bed for 2 days. I also walked hunched over like a geriatric patient and yelled one-word obscenities when I had to bend over or otherwise flex a muscle. The hubs still reminds me of this.
These classes are taught by ex-professional cheerleaders who have 3% body fat and don't eat sugar, gluten, or dairy. They are perfectly spray-tanned and don't sweat. They also claim to have birthed children but I see no physical evidence of this. They learn your name so that they can yell things like, "Why are you stopping?! WE ARE NOT STOPPING!" when you fall to the floor in exhaustion every few minutes and you are reminded of why they work out in Lululemon shorts that might fit your 20-month old while you are in 10-year old sorority t-shirts that say "Get Lucky!" on the back. (Did I mention I am classy?) And yet, I secretly have a girl-crush on them and so return for this torture 3 times a week. So, what progress have I made all these months later??
Hmm, let's see:
- I've gained 2-5 lbs depending on the day
- My thighs are thisclose to splitting the seams on my jeans
- Someone asked me if I was pregnant 2 weeks ago
*Sigh* And so I'm losing my motivation here. I am stronger, for sure, and every once in a while if the lighting is right I can glimpse an actual long-lost stomach muscle. But still. This is depressing. This is why I want to eat Oreo balls (did you make them yet??). I'm afraid I'll be back to shopping for tankinis this summer after all. Please tell me I am not alone.